I'm a control freak. I admit it. I let people think I'm really organized with my life... but it really is control. Organized sounds much nicer than controlling... and there are some similarities, but when it comes down to it, they are two different things entirely. I always pass off my controlling nature as just preferring to have my ducks in a row and while that is true... it's really a control issue for me. Lately, I've been in a position of not having control over a good portion of my life... and that is driving me crazy. When I'm not in control, I don't appear organized and then my life falls into chaos. I also must admit here that I have not been in a good place emotionally for quite some time. I've feeling overwhelmed and way stressed out and although I've tried not to pout and dwell on my state (especially in this blog) I have to admit that I am struggling. I told a friend the other night that I feel as though I am bi-polar, but I don't have time for a mental illness. I lost it this morning. All of the stress of everyday life, combined with the added timing of the holidays... My brain was fried... and I lost it. It was ugly. My timing was off... I've been waking up around 4:30 in the morning, not able to sleep and that's when the stress starts. Leroy's already gone and I'm usually alone by then... but this morning, my panic attack came just before Leroy's alarm went off, so he witnessed the melt down. At the time, I felt horrible, putting this added burden on Leroy... but of course he was there to pick up the pieces. He was so worried about me that he comforted me as long as he could before he had to go outside and push in the hay and then came back in to make sure I as ok. After it was all said and done... I felt so much better. Things didn't change. Leroy didn't make any promises he won't be able to keep and my problems were not magically erased, but I did feel better... just having the opportunity to admit my situation and to let it go. I used to think that old bumper sticker "Let go and Let God" was really stupid... but I'm beginning to see the wisdom. I won't say that I'm good at it, but I do know that I'll be practicing a bit more.